Two Farmers' Market Transactions That Felt More Like Drug Deals

1. I'm at my sister's farmers' market with her in Lincoln. It's a Sunday afternoon and we're looking for eggs. The nice man at the health food store told us to look for a guy named Mark. "He's got a blond ponytail, a red cap, and a light t-shirt on". My sister and I walk to the end of the market and only see one guy who sort of matches that description. He's standing at a stall with two young women. His eyes are shielded by reflective sunglasses. His arms are crossed across his chest, and he's watching people walk by. His red cap has NASCAR across the front. We approach the stall.

ME AND SISTER: "Hi, do you guys sell eggs?"
GIRLS: "Uh, no. Sorry!"
ME AND SISTER (glancing over at NASCAR ponytail): "Ok. Thanks!"
[awkward pause, where neither my sister nor me makes a move to leave]
NASCAR PONYTAIL: "I sell eggs."
ME AND SISTER: "Oh, great!"
NASCAR PONYTAIL: "Follow me". (takes us to a second location across the market) "I don't advertise. Sometimes I have one dozen. Other times I have two dozen. Usually I sell out. But I never put a sign up."
SISTER (glancing at me): "OK. Um, how much for a dozen?"
NASCAR PONYTAIL: "Two-fifty. I don't always have them this late. I usually sell out. But I don't put a sign up."
SISTER (shifting Wondernephew Max to me so she can grab the eggs): "Alright. Well, thanks!"

2. I'm at a Wednesday farmers market in Seattle. Aa has asked me to pick up some raw butter from a stall where he usually buys it at a different market on Sunday. I see the stall and approach the dude behind the counter, who is not the dude we buy from on Sundays.

ME: "Hi! Do you have any butter?"
DUDE: "Uh...we're not really allowed to sell it openly. We usually call it dog food."
ME: "Oh."
[pause]
ME: "Um, do you have any dog food?"
DUDE (looking at me with a combination of annoyance and pity): "No. I don't. We don't usually have it at this market."
ME: "Oh, OK."
DUDE: "And you can seriously just call it butter."

Question: What causes you to lose any sense of shame?

Answer: Hanging out with an incredibly cute baby. I'm currently in Lincoln, NE, visiting my sister Mary Kate (aka The Funniest Person On The Planet), my brother in law Josh (aka The Nicest Guy Ever), and my nephew Max (aka Maximillian Wondernephew). Here's a video of us playing in the pool. I don't do anything too silly in this one, but really my takeaway from this visit is I'll do anything to make this kid laugh. Doesn't matter where we are or how dumb I look in the process either. That's not even an issue.

ALSO: Not much happens in this video. You don't see the kid crack up or anything. It's mainly posted here so I can watch it whenever I want and be reminded of how incredibly fun it was to push a baby in an innertube around a pool with my sister. Max actually started laughing hysterically after his dad turned the camera off. Max, your timing is not great. But you are only 7 months old so I will overlook it. One day soon you will realize that you can manipulate adults just by looking at them and laughing. That is the day your campaign for world domination truly begins.

Text Messages I Sent Aa On Friday Night As I Was Giddily Leaving Work To Meet Him Downtown

Context:

-Work sucked ass that day.

-I was going to meet Aa to see a free show his station put together, which includes one of my favorite local music acts.

-I had only decided on this plan of action moments beforehand – my Friday nights usually consist of my couch, my dog, and a book or a movie. This spontaneous plan felt incredibly exciting and daring.

6:47 pm I am getting on a bus in mere moments! There is a man at the bus stop who smells like Stouffers lasagna!

6:53 pm I am on the bus! I am on the way! There appears to be a couple that met at a NAMBLA meet-up just across the aisle from me! http://www.nambla.org/

6:55 pm Oh wait that little boy is just a very slight lady! What a relief!

6:56 pm The stouffers man did not get on the bus with me! What a shame! Instead there is a man wearing no less than three bandanas on his person!

6:56 pm One is a do-rag!

6:57 pm One is billowing oddly out of his pants pocket!

6:58 pm The third is wound around part of his belt!

6:58 pm He also has a laptop and a black leather fanny pack!

7:02 pm (after a call from Aa) You just called me! Your call has thrown me off my game!

7:04 pm I want to eat fried pickles this evening! Or possibly fries!

7:04 pm Or BOTH!

7:05 People give me dirty looks when I talk on my phone on the bus! Perhaps it is because I speak loudly!

7:08 pm I have two pieces of fruit in my bag that I did not have time to eat today!

7:10 Also I have my running stuff with me! I did not have time to run either! This saddens me!

7:13 Whoa! A fat version of Sammy Hagar circa OU812 just got on the bus!

7:17 ….aaaand he’s off the bus! That was fast, Fat Sammy Hagar!

7:17 (from Aa) Hurry up!! I am in the beer area. Enter on west side.

END.