My Uncle Jack had a couple of letters to read to my grandma at her big 100th birthday party this weekend. One was from the White House.
Uncle Jack (after repeatedly asking all of us to shut up already so he could read the letter): Dear Genevieve...
Uncle Tom: We regret to inform you that you'll be leaving for Iraq on Monday.
The party was AWESOME. It would appear that my family is increasing exponentially. We're good at reproducing, man. Holy crap, the babies. Babies babies babies.
Not awesome part of the party: I had some totally gross virus which made me unable to stay warm and caused me to lose my breakfast and perhaps the dinner I had the night before while at the party. Did I mention that much of the party entailed passing large "family-style" plates of food around our table? That was like a nightmare, but also really kind of funny. I took many walks during that time. Also I felt weird hugging people with this totally gross virus. But I hugged them anyway because I really miss a lot of them. And I am selfish.
Oh, the least awesome part was when the waitress called me a "fussy-butt" because I told her I didn't want my salad. It made me really mad for some reason. So then I followed her into the kitchen, kissed her, threw up on her, and yelled, "THAT'S why I didn't want my salad, you miserable bitch! Ha-haaaaa!" Then I passed out.1 Aa told me the waitress made some other remark about me while I was out having another get-away-from-the-food walk, and my sister threw hot coffee on her.2 I love my sister.
I spent Monday and Tuesday in my house, monitoring every weird thing my digestive system did. I'll type up a list of everything and post it later.3 This afternoon I finally feel normal again. It's very exciting. So I'll probably go back to eating fatty foods and putting on the pounds. 4
1 Ok, none of that happened except for the "fussy-butt" part.
2 That's a lie too. But I guess she did say something back to her.
3 No I won't.
4 Yes I will.